Dear Girl: guys can’t do it for you

Last month, I wrote a post titled Dear Girl – to the girl who thinks she just isn’t. It was all about our worth in Jesus Christ, not in our beauty, talents, virginity, etc. We are only enough in HIM.

But as I was writing, God gave me a little nudge and nodded toward the part where I talked about how we label our worth in the amount of guys who find us pretty, text us, take us out on dates … that little list can go on a long time. Now that we’ve established why we’re enough in Jesus, and why nothing else really matters, I do want to talk about guys.

Including the one with the beautiful hair who smiles and melts your soul.

Including the one you’ve had your eye on for years.

Including the one who just drives you crazy, because he’s gorgeous but kind of a bad boy.

Including the one who brings his Bible everywhere and lights up whenever someone mentions God.

All of them.

And honestly, society doesn’t help. They’ll ask you if you’re single and ‘whyyyyyyyy?!’, then also scream from the rooftops that we don’t need a man to be happy, blah, blah, blah. And they have the last part right, but they have it right for the wrong reasons.

Dear girl, you do not need a man to be happy. You do not need a prom date. Or a kiss. Or a husband on your arm at a party. I’m sure it’s great (I did get a prom date … that’s about it, though), but a man does not complete you. He brings you a lot of joy, but he does not give you the ultimate joy.

You are enough without one.

And you are enough with one.

About a year ago, during one of my weekly moments of ‘whhhhyyyyy am I still single’, I heard God say, “You won’t get one until you are completely happy by yourself. With just me.”

Before that, I had based my enoughness on whether or not I had a guy. And considering I’ve never been in a relationship, that scale of worth was always pretty low. I found myself saying, “Okay, so if you find a guy, then you’ll be happy.” It was accidental most of the time. Just the product of being a hopeless romantic and all that. As I’ve mentioned in a couple posts, I felt like a didn’t belong for a long time, and I always thought that if I found a guy I could bring to family reunions, I would fit in better.

Well, I was wrong. I’m not saying this because I now have a guy and it’s miserable. I’m saying this because I don’t have a guy, and it’s actually great. Why? Who knows, honestly. Well … I do know. And over the past year or so I’ve realized that God knew that my view on men was totally wrong.

Ladies, a man in your life is not supposed to do it for you. The TV shows and books are wrong.

His purpose is not to make you blissfully happy.

Or to provide. Or to be that person who you can go to no matter what.

That’s what I always thought. I think we, as humans, rely so much on others, that it bleeds into romantic relationships, and it ruins them. Because women (and men, but I’m not talking about them right now) try to find their guy who is going to help them get over their past, or make them laugh 24/7, or whatever else we need.

And then we end up in these relationships and wonder why this guy isn’t doing it for us.

Because God never intended a friend, parent, boyfriend, or a husband to be enough. 

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. ~ Phillipians 4:19

Our souls are not meant to be satisfied with humans. That yearning for a home, for a person to love us so much that hurts go away … that’s God’s job. No one can take God’s job.

You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are intimately acquainted with all my ways. ~ Psalm 139:2-3

A guy can’t do that. He can only assume things, and that usually doesn’t end well. God knows everything about you. What makes you tick, what makes you laugh when you want to cry, how much sleep you need, how you’ll feel on your period. He knows it all, and it’s awesome!

Okay, so just in case someone says that I’m arguing that love is just totally unnecessary: God created love. God designed us to have that want and desire for love, but we have to remember that the guys we are falling in love with are human. They are going to mess up as much as everyone else, even if they spend two hours in the morning reading their Bible.

What I’m saying is that guys can’t do it for you. If you’re constantly searching for someone to tell you that you’re enough, whether it be a friend or a boyfriend, you will constantly be disappointed.

The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. ~ Zephaniah 3:17

I chose that verse for my graduation. It’s pure beauty. It doesn’t just say the Lord or God. It says the Lord YOUR God. MY God. YOUR God. He is in the middle of my every move, everywhere I go. He will save me. His love for me is absolutely crazy. And singing!

*side note: at this moment, I stopped to go watch Trey Kennedy and John Crist’s Single girls on Valentine’s Day be like. Go watch it. You can thank me later.*

Anyway, Zephaniah 3:17 describes God as a God of not only loving, but as doting. As perfect. No man, no matter how many dramatic Instagram posts that will be posting tomorrow about it, is ever perfect. We all wish, but sorry, girl-who-spent-an-hour-on-that-post-about-your-man-being-absolutely-perfect-and-beautiful … we live in a fallen world. And if he’s acting perfect, sooner or later he will not be so perfect.

And that’s okay.

True happiness comes from our freedom in Christ. 

Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.” ~ John 6:35

Jesus is our life. Falling in love with him and clinging onto him is what makes us enough. And it makes us FEEL enough. (Though there are always going to be those moments.)

Guys are great. I can’t wait to meet a man who loves Jesus and wants to grow in him. I can’t wait to walk down that aisle and promise my love and life to him. I can’t wait for marriage, for living together, for all of that stuff. But what Jesus taught me over the past year is that though that dream is warranted and that excitement is awesome, it will end up being a miserable flop if I think for one second that the man I marry will make me feel happy and enough.

It’s not fair to that man.

It’s not fair to me.

Jesus is so enough. I know it’s hard. At times, this past year has been ….. ooohhhh boyyyyy. God was probably doing a face palm. But it’s okay. Things take time. I’m happy that I finally decided to listen to God and just start working on it. And it certainly doesn’t mean I’m ‘all done with the lesson’. I’m quite confident that I’ll be working on this for a long time.

But today, when all the dramatic social media posts are exploding across Instagram, when your coworker’s boyfriend pops in with flowers and chocolate and you have to carry all of those gifts to her …

Wait til tomorrow and the candy is cheaper.

Just enjoy it. Yes, it’s irritating. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it might be unfair. But buy the candy, take it home, sit down with your Bible, and just say, “Jesus, let’s go.” Let him be enough, because I’ve discovered that Jesus is actually a lot of fun to just hang out with. Praying has become fun, because he reveals things to me that sometimes make me laugh.

And he doesn’t tick me off.

Nor does he forget anything. Maybe things take a little longer than I would hope, but I know that he hasn’t forgotten.

Buy the candy. Relax. Enjoy YOUR God who rejoices over you and exalts you with loud singing.

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Lover of Jesus, life, coffee, books, writing, and family.

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